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I entrusted my eyes only to you, and nothing could be further from the truth than the lie that I told when I said that, "I hate you." You see, four years is a long time to start thinking straight, and following that straight and narrow line to walk away from you is never what I wanted to do, but I did it anyway. "You're more alive now," that's at least what I tell myself, and I just need you to know that I always meant well even when you'd roll your eyes or cry yourself to sleep like the night at my parents when I asked you to leave because I needed time to think and clear my head. "You'd never do this," I said, but everything changed when I felt the choice you made with a man who's ink you thought would cover up your self leaning actions and give you a place for a night for your tired and spinning head. I'm over it now, but your absence I've tried to fill has only made it grow worse and I hate it. I used to spend a lot of nights wondering, while you were high out of your mind, if you thought about us and all the good times all the while I was trying to drink myself to death. A bottle would give me a taste on my lips that would slightly resemble yours on mine, but without any sort of romantic twist it was never really worth my time. I'm ok now, mostly, and time does heal most wounds, but what you left were multiple scars and nothing will every help my minds eye keep me apart from them. I loved you, and I know I sound pathetic, but I really wish you weren't the way you are now, and I wish I would just forget it. This uneasiness won't ever seem to rest, and after everything you said, if you called me at 3:00 am, I'd still answer for you.
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I've been thinking about the dangers of falling in love and the consequences it brings if things go wrong (and i'm tired of them going wrong). I want to open up to you and tell you that I need love, too.
So how about you and I get out of this town tonight and change the way I think for a while? Maybe I'll feel fine for a while because I just want to feel like I'm at home and not alone with someone who cares with all their heart.
If I risk falling in love I risk falling apart, and I wish I could start again, but I'm so emotionally spent and I'm so sick of it.
So how about you and I get out of this town tonight and change the way I think for a while? Maybe I'll feel fine for a while because I just want to feel like I'm at home and not alone with someone who cares with all their heart and will help keep things from falling apart.
If you risk falling in love you risk falling apart and that's not worth it. It's not worth it. Am I worth it?
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Oh, you've got a pocket full of options, but I don't know what you'll choose. Oh, and I'm just waiting on a plot twist 'cause I just want to be in it.
I always end up shortchanged and empty handed and I know that you've been given the same. I know how the story goes and just for once, I don't want to know which way that it goes. This needs a plot twist.
Oh, you've got a pocket full of options, but I don't know what you'll choose. Oh, and I'm just waiting on a plot twist 'cause I just want to be in it.
It's so unfortunate, my fear has gotten the best of me and I can't even say what I want to say. And all of this is just out of my hands, I don't think I could ever help you to understand that getting close is what scares me the most, even though I hate being alone.
Just make me feel like I'm worth something again, because I've hollowed myself out. Just take me away from here (this is all out of my hands).
What if I said that I'm moving myself forward as best as I can, but I need assurance from you that you won't leave me to drown?
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You didn't even have the decency to tell me that you didn't love me anymore, so I guess I know how much I never did and never could mean to you. I don't know if this is what you wanted, but, you've grown to be someone I would hate if they were anyone else. So, how did it feel to keep me hanging on? I know you'll hear me, but this time I think I'm finally done.
And all my friends were right, you'd never be there and I'm done losing sleep at night, and if I'm being honest with you, I don't miss you like I used to.
Some say that there's someone out there for everyone, but I don't believe in fate, and now I don't believe in you and I really wanted to.
And all my friends were right, you'd never be there and I'm done losing sleep at night, and if I'm being honest with you, I don't miss you like I used to. A memory is a terrible place to live and I wouldn't mind if you stopped living in mine.
It's truly a shame how much you give yourself away because you just can't wait for love to find you, no, you just can't wait. Home is where the heart is and you're not my home. Eventually, life goes on for you.
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"I miss you" is an understatement if there ever was one and it's the most important and meaningless thing I can say to you at this point. Honesty comes in trials and being self sentenced to exile from you was the only thing I could do. They say that getting over it is the way to go, but how can I get over what I can't get through or under, let alone accepting being alone? You were just a heartbreak waiting to happen, and if I could just go back in time and tell myself that night that I fell for you that I should've just stayed home, maybe things would be fine now, but I know....
I know you didn't want to lock me up or make me walk the tightrope, but you know where you left me and I know where you went to. And if I came to your door I know i'd get nothing more than a "hello, how are you?"
I fell in love with you at the wrong time, and nothing seemed right when I finally told you everything that was on my mind. Your smile is still the most enticing thing I've ever seen and it's the most important thing he needs to keep.
I know you didn't want to lock me up or make me walk the tightrope, but you know where you left me and I know where you went to. And if I came to your door I know i'd get nothing more than a "hello, how are you?"
And i'm not mad, because I know you're happy, I'm just sad because I'm left here empty.
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If you want me to beg for your attention, well, that's not going to happen. How dare you say that you want me while the taste of his mouth is all that you're thinking about? You didn't miss me, you just needed me to help you through the night, and all the loving things you said to me ended up being symbolistic scars from a knife.
I think you know how to play the game a little too well, and I think what I hate about myself is that I let you do it time and time again.
I just wanted to be worth your time, but time was never on your list of things you had for me and now I know where I sit with you: I was never worth it and you just weren't concerned.
I think you know how to play the game a little too well, and I think what I hate about myself is that I let you do it time and time again. If you want me to beg for your attention, well, that's not going to happen.
And I think this about does it, you've got nothing to lose and I've got too much to do with my life. You didn't miss me, you just needed me to help you through the night.
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I don't want to be here anymore than you want to say you're sorry.
And you've been gone for so long now, let's keep it this way (lets be honest here), you don't even know who you are and I don't know if you ever will.
I don't want to be here anymore than you want to say you're sorry.
This pain of separation has caused me to change so many things, and made me feel, and hear, and know so much that I could've lived without and it's without a doubt that you never loved me the same as I loved you. You didn't know what love was, because if that were true, you would've known that sleeping around was the worst excuse.
I don't want to be here anymore than you want to say you're sorry.
Do I mean nothing to you? Your mouth says one thing, your heart says another, and your actions another.
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You've got a lot of lost lovers and I'm just one of them. I wanted more than just a fuck or a loveless kiss. You had me waiting, you had me begging for more than this.
Keep me in distance, keep me in the palm of your hand, it doesn't really matter because you know that I'd come back if all you do is ask me to, but, oh, I need to get a grip and get over this and you, it's just not worth it.
You've got a lot of lost lovers and I'm just one of them. I wanted more than just a fuck or a loveless kiss. You had me waiting, you had me begging for more than this. You had me waiting on last call....
For an answer to come even though I already knew what it was. Your insecurities kept you on a path that didn't have room for anything other than temporary pleasure, and I needed more than that.
You've got a lot of lost lovers and I'm just one of them. I wanted more than just a fuck or a loveless kiss. You had me waiting, you had me begging for more than this.
You only liked me when you were intoxicated and I don't need that. Find someone else.
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I think of dying all the time. I don't want to say that I've lost my mind, but hearing your voice talk back to you is enough to make you question your own life. I won't even try to explain things because you'll never understand. God, if you're really there you'd better speak up, because i'm going to take my own life. I don't want to live like this anymore, I don't want to be like this anymore. Nothing ever seems to fit into place, I've carried this weight my whole life. What's the point if I'm already dead on the inside? Fuck this feeling, keep pushing on and never looking back. I keep moving on because standing still is losing hope. I'm going to fight this. This is a life lesson well learned.
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I wasn't sure that souls existed or even could join together, but that all changed after I met you and now that you're gone mine is stuck in dark and dreary weather and that's now where I've made my home. It's small, dim, and slightly warm, but I always keep the fire on just incase you decide to come back and live here. I don't want to understand what else could be out there, not while your lungs are filling with air and releasing precious breath into someone else's consciousness. And I learned so much from you, but slowing down stops the process of love and pain and everything that can be learned in between (I loved you).
You gave me something to hope for, something to live for, but I couldn't go where you went to, and here I am, staying still and slowing down the process.
I've gotta get up and get out of here because staying here is taking me to the brink and jumping off the edge won't solve anything at all. I'll make myself feel fine again, I just need to make the change.
Everyone wants to love, but no one wants to trust, and that's including myself along with everyone else I've talked to that's been through the same things as me.
My heart is still beating, just not in time with yours, and i'm still wandering through each day so unsure of what to do next, but the ones I've got around me have shown that life can get better, life can get better, "All you've gotta do is forget her," that's what they say.
And that's what I'm going to do, forget you and all of this mess that I unknowingly walked right into. Life will get better.
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released August 23, 2014
